I wrote this a little over a year ago as a final paper for my Preparation for Eternal Marriage Class. I wrote it with the intent of defining the love shared between a man and woman from a doctrinal and scriptural standpoint. However, like any learning, love isn't truly understood until it is experienced... at that point... Love is defined by those who experience it.
In the
world today there are many different definitions of what “Love” is. Hollywood does a pretty good job of painting
a picture that love is nothing more than physical attraction and that the only way
it is expressed is through physical intimacy.
This, however, is simply not the case.
Although it may be somewhat difficult to give a perfect definition for
what love truly is and what it truly means to be in love, the teachings of living prophets and the scriptures can
provide helpful clues. Indeed, we will
spend the entirety of our lives learning about love and how we should love
other people. Christ was the perfect
example in loving others. In this
discussion I wish to discuss insights I have received in my study of love and
by personal experience. I wish to speak
primarily on the love that is developed and cultivated between a man and a
woman as they live the teachings of the restored gospel.
Love is not merely an emotion. It is not something you simply fall into; it
is the union and submission of wills and a process of time. Often people will ignore the process of love
and look solely on the physical attraction felt towards another person. Elder Spencer W. Kimball has said,
Physical attraction is only one of
many elements, but there must be faith and confidence and understanding and
partnership. There must be common
ideals and standards. There must be
great devotion and companionship. Love
is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton has also said,
True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation,
stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no
deeper than the arousal of momentary
feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it
takes to speak them.
Although in the first stages of a relationship physical
attraction plays an important role, over time it may be overshadowed by other
things and if a couple hasn’t truly learned to love each other one day they
will wake up and find that what they thought was love, was little more than
infatuation.
I have observed that the love I
feel towards other people grows the more I serve them. This is the love that Christ demonstrates to
all of us. “Greater love hath no man
than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:
13). Laying down one’s life is, of
course, the greatest act of service one can provide for another. I find this true in relationships with men
and women. When speaking concerning this
relationship, Paul further spoke, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 2: 25). How then can two people truly say they love
each other, in the fullest sense of the word, after only knowing each other a
few days, or even a few weeks? True love
takes time to develop. It comes after
enduring hardship and trial. It comes after
bearing and rearing children. It reaches
out of forgiveness and helping each other overcome faults. Elder Boyd K. Packer spoke concerning a
maturing love between married couples, he said,
Married couples are tried by
temptation, misunderstandings, separation, financial problems, family crises,
illness; and all the while love grows stronger, the mature love enjoys a bliss not
even imagined by newlyweds.
It makes sense to me why many apostles and prophets have
counseled young married couples not to wait to start their family and have
children. I feel that a couple will come
closer together as they struggle raising their children amidst getting an
education or finding a decent job. As
they learn to rely on each other they will form a bond that cannot be broken,
and develop a love that will endure throughout the rest of their lives and
throughout eternity.
Ultimately, the love we feel
towards a spouse should be a type of charity, the pure love of Christ. The love of Christ is unconditional. It is not dependent on how someone looks, the
clothes they wear, their health, their education, or their wealth. The love of Christ “suffereth long, and is
kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily
provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the
truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth
all thing” (Moroni 7: 45). If a couple earnestly seeks to develop these
attributes they will develop a love that will only grow brighter and stronger
with time and will be undimmed amidst sickness, wrinkles, and suffering.
True love is not something you find
as much as it is something you are given.
Moroni continued, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father
with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he
hath bestowed upon all who are true
followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7: 48, emphasis added). Elder Holland further said, “It doesn’t come
without effort and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation
itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God.”
As quoted by Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, “Pearl Buck has observed, ‘Love
cannot be forced… It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought.’” I take this to mean that although young
people seek opportunities for love to be cultivated, through dating and getting
to know other people, love itself is endowed by God when the time is right for
both individuals and both are willing to work at it.
Since love is a gift, and therefore
a blessing predicated upon obedience, we can only receive it by loving God and
keeping his commandments. When Christ
was on the earth he taught, “Thou shalt love the lord thy God with all thy
heart and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt
love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22: 37-39). Before we can love others, we must first love
God. Our capacity to love others will
only grow as fast as our capacity to love God.
John the Beloved taught,
“Whosoever believeth that Jesus the Christ is born of God: and every one that
loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him. By this we know that we love the children of
God, when we love God, and keep his
commandment.” (1 John 5: 1-2, emphasis added). We can only measure our love for other people
according the amount we love God and keep his commandments. In a marriage relationship, both husband and
wife need to understand that their loyalty must
first be to the Lord, then to each other.
This will not diminish their love for each other; rather it will
strengthen it, especially when they are unified.
For us to truly understand the
nature of love we must first look at the life of Jesus Christ and try and
emulate the actions he portrayed. He was
the perfect example of how to love. The
love he offers us is eternal. It will
stand up to anything the world throws at it.
As a couple faithfully lives the gospel together they will develop this
love. They will come to understand, in
time, as they practice charity, that the love the love they feel towards each
other is simply a magnification of the love of Christ.
